I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
