what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
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Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
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Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I want to fling myself into the sun
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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