You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
