Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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