I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
