the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
