I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
