im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
