looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
