I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
