How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Bring me that man meat
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
