There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Randomize
