I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
