Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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