She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
