Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
