Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I need a beard to bite.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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