Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
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