i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
