how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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