I haven't been this sober since birth.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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