I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
