So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize