I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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