I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Plan B is the new Plan A
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
