is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
