First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
