i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
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