Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Randomize
