Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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