When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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