sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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