So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
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