Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
