A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
