I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Randomize
