his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
