I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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