Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize