my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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