My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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