im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
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