I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
