Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
