my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
