Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
