I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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