im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Randomize
