omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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