I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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