I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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