I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
wanna go halves on a baby?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
