batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
