Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
