3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
